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Friday, 10 September 2010

relationships are messy, but true love is out there.

Marriage, takes a lot out of you. Sometimes one person gives all, and the other gives in nothing. It is suppose to be a partnership. Everything is 50 / 50. I myself was married before and I thought well I guess I was suppose to do everything. I didn't see it the way marriage was suppose to be. I did everything and got nothing in return. I have been used and abused. I did it for so long and went through all of that until my body started giving out on me. When I got sicker things piled up on me, and got harder. My ex husband made it harder on me. Then, after going through being used and getting sick from worrying and bad health problems in general. We were separated but I was still taking care of him. We could see other people but in the end I was still there taking care of him.I started turning to friends. I went to clubs and partied hard. I turn to drugs and alcohol. Then, I started dating a guy. At first I was kind of put off about him because I knew he would be a handful, but I gave in. In the months I dated him. I started giving him anything and everything he asked for. I did anything to keep him. Living like a porn star to making sure he had the drugs he wanted. I would do just anything to keep him happy. What I didn't realize he was just like my ex husband. Using me, to get what he wants and then throwing me away, and then cheating on me when I am loyal and stay with him through anything. I finally broke it off with him. It was the hardest thing, we were addicted to each other like a crack head addicted to their cocaine and heroine. My friend helped me a lot through this. I didn't look at him the way he was looking at me. He wanted me to be his gf. I refused because I didn't want to get hurt again. I began testing him on everything to see how he reacts and to see if he would be there with me through thick and then. I wanted a mate for life, and that is just what I found when I wasn't looking.

Monday, 23 November 2009

We need a change

We should be able to be anyone we want to be. As a reference to Gandhi "Be the change you want to see in the world." Instead of people judging others all the time, and they are so wrapped up in what others are doing. They don't ever look at themselves, because they don't want to see the truth, that they are not perfect themselves and they have to makes excuses and judge and accuse others, because it makes them feel better about them. People really need to take a good look at their lives, and really think. What could I do to make this place better ? How can I change myself to be a better person ? These are questions we should all ask ourselves.
Love = Pain

Crying out, I am finally feeling the pain. It's been building inside for a while, but I never wanted to show my weakness. I thought I knew him, but everything I was told, was a lie. I feel no guilt for what I did. I almost regret, because we might not feel the same way. I am two totally different people around them. One makes the worst come out in me, and the other brings out the real me.